The Rat Race

Last week, we developed a rat problem on our first floor. We teach in a refurbished building this year, but as luck would have it, there are still a few open spaces left by workers where rats gain access. Recently, teachers brought in a large crate of apples for a seasonal project with students. Here is where equation magic starts. It is a fairly simple equation, actually. Open spaces in the wall plus a crate full of delicious farm fresh apples plus cold weather equals rat problem.

I have an aversion to rats. This is an understatement. I lived in New York City for almost three years and observed the little beasts in all their glory, including the one that died in the wall of my building and almost drove me out with the rancid smell. Then there was the rat which entered Grandma's restaurant on West 114th and Broadway while my girlfriend and I were breakfasting. He or she wreaked indescribable restaurant havoc darting in and around customers. Suffice it to say, there was much high pitched shrieking and more than one cup of coffee was dumped.

Several years ago, I survived an encounter with a mouse (a smaller version of the same evil) who strolled across my head while I was drifting off to sleep in my bed one November evening. I discovered I am capable of evolving from a human being horizontal and asleep to a human being vertical and completely awake in approximately three seconds. I did not sleep the rest of that evening. Anything which can run or crawl or scamper faster than I can (and that would be a lot of things) is not my friend. Don't get me wrong. I love nature but I love it in the abstract. It needs to be outdoors and not inside where I am. Once that sacred threshhold has been crossed it is... game over! But I digress. Apparently a troop of rats entered our first floor classroom and decided to make off with the apples in the crate. One of the teachers reported that the rat bites in the apples were almost human size. Shudder! After sampling the apples, the rats strategized and decided to exit stage left dragging apples back through the gap in the wall. They ran into difficulty because the apples were too large to pull through the gap. The rats gave it the old college try but by the time they had given up and exited the building, the apples were wedged so tightly into the gap, the custodian had to use brute force with a broom handle or some such tool to push them out. I have not entered that room. I assume the crate of apples has been removed.

The same day the rats absconded with apples, a teacher on my floor removed her shoes first thing in the morning to relax as she readied herself for the new day. A few minutes later as she went to put her shoes back on, she discovered to her horror that a mouse had already nested in one of them. Another teacher standing nearby came to the rescue and squashed the mouse with his large foot. I have not entered that room either. I like nature but it needs to be elsewhere, such as in a National Geographic magazine. Rodents... may God bless them and keep them...far, far away from me. Amen.